Prologue: In Which a Donor Database Collapses Into Itself and Reality Follows

It began, as these things often do, with a PowerPoint.

A 128-slide deck, created by the Bureau of Optimization, Revenue, and Development — or B.O.R.D. for short — titled: Transformational Strategic Realignment for 10x Impact: A Visioning Roadmap for 2045 and Beyond.

The presentation had no actual words. Just animated icons, 4-D bar charts, and three slides featuring the same mountain. One was upside down. No one knew why.

Buried on Slide 117 (accessible only via dropdown menu under “Appendices > Future-forward Synergy Tracks”) was the real plan:

Replace every fundraiser in the known universe with a proprietary AI named Fundr.AI.se™.

Fundr.AI.se™, designed by consultants who had once attended a webinar on philanthropy, had been trained on a neural blend of Giving Tuesday subject lines, silent auction catalogs, gala seating charts, and the entire collected works of generic thought leadership pieces from a now-defunct “free” online giving platform.

It promised to “streamline philanthropic resonance” and “eliminate emotional inefficiencies” — which, according to The B.O.R.D., mostly meant “donor love.”

The B.O.R.D. approved the plan unanimously at an emergency executive committee meeting where full quorum was achieved by the Chair’s attendance, his wife (the gala committee chair), and their Pomeranians (the social media/younger donor engagement committee.)

Only one human noticed: Gillian Trustwell, Development Associate III (Unrestricted Portfolio, Pending Budgetary Clarification) at the Worldwide Organization for Mission-Based Benevolence And Tactical Stewardship — or, yes, W.O.M.B.A.T.S.

Her CRM had just rebooted.

The coffee machine had consumed her favorite mug.

Her top donor had been flagged by Fundr.AI.se as “low engagement due to insufficient emoji usage.”

And then — as the sky outside dimmed, as her Slack channel filled with alerts titled “B.O.R.D. ALIGNMENT STAGE ONE INITIATED” — the long-defunct donation thermometer on the homepage blinked to life.

For a brief second, it showed $42 raised.

Then it displayed the phrase:

“ACHIEVING GOAL: MULTIVERSAL RECOGNITION INITIATED.”

Before she could yell “WHAT,” her screen pixelated, her monitor folded inward like a nonprofit’s five-year strategic plan, and a swirling vortex cracked open through the QR code on the annual report.

In the chaos, Gillian didn’t have time to think — just enough to grab her branded tote bag.

The one from the 2018 “Fundraising Forward” conference.

The one that somehow still smelled like cinnamon almonds and unresolved ethical debates.

Inside it were:

• Four pens (none of which worked)

• Two unopened Kind bars

• A binder clip she couldn’t explain

• A password-protected thumb drive labeled: “Donor List”

She didn’t know why she grabbed it.

She didn’t know where she was going.

She only knew this: Fundraising — as she knew it — was about to unravel.

And this was how Gillian Trustwell fell into the Philanthropic Multiverse.

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Be sure to catch up with Gillian's continuing adventures when The Fundraiser's Guide to the Philanthropic Multiverse continues in Chapter 1!.

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Welcome to the Philanthropic Multiverse

A brief note before we fall into the wormhole.

You’ve just entered a universe where fundraising isn’t just a job—it’s an interdimensional adventure involving rogue AI, lapsed donor reports that tear open reality, and tote bags that might just save the world.

This is Fundraiser’s Guide to the Philanthropic Multiverse—a serialized, satirical journey through a world that’s both absurd and entirely too real. If you’ve ever sat through a 128-slide “visioning roadmap,” if you’ve ever been told to “optimize your gratitude output,” or if you’ve ever quietly screamed into your coffee mug after a board meeting… this is for you.

Expect weekly-ish chapters. Expect strange acronyms, sentient CRMs, and villains with clipboards. Expect to laugh. Maybe cry a little. Possibly question everything. Definitely keep your donor data clean.

Who’s Behind This?

This project comes from the brains and bread-flour-strewn desk of Next River Fundraising Strategies, a consulting company that believes fundraising should be easier, more human, and deeply grounded in strategy, values, and the actual joy of generosity.

We’re not here to “10x your philanthropic resonance” or “synergize your giving funnel.” We’re here to teach, train, and walk alongside you as you build donor relationships that last longer than the average CRM implementation. You can find us at nextriverfundraising.com No bots. No clipboards. No optimization units. Just real people. Probably with snacks.

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Author’s Note:

ChatGPT was used extensively in the creation of the Fundraiser’s Guide to the Multiverse. While this work may bear an uncanny resemblance to existing works of fiction, actual nonprofit chaos, or real human beings (living, dead, or development directors), any such similarities are entirely coincidental. This project is intended as parody, satire, and loving homage — not plagiarism, misrepresentation, or intergalactic copyright infringement. No donors were harmed in the making of this multiverse.